Togetherness in Mediation

Togetherness is an illusive quality in mediation yet it is precisely why people come to mediation in the first place. It is because they can’t work together that they come to mediation for help. Togetherness is not only useful but necessary: unless both parties (or all if more than two) truly agree, there is no end to the conflict but it is only postponed until one or the other has more energy to fight. Some mediators hold people at the table in mediation until they are exhausted and are willing to agree to anything. I find this counterproductive: temporary insanity brought on by fatigue is not helpful. Among couples who smoke there is great solidarity in smoking together in breaks. Indeed, I have seen mediations that were going down in flames until they were settled in smoke! More than smoking, however, is the chance to get alone together after struggling together toward a common goal. More disputes are settled in or immediately after a break than at any other time.

A good mediator crafts everything so the parties feel the togetherness, both consciously and unconsciously. Seldom does mediation work when both parties are sitting across the table from each other. Rather, it is when they are side-by-side, literally and emotionally, that settlement get crafted. The expert mediator continually shifts the discussion so emotion and attention are directed at the issue in dispute, not each other. In high conflict, the need to redirect can be almost constant. But when the parties truly begin to work together is when positive emotions are generated. It is positive emotion (the feeling that he/she really does not want to keep fighting) rather than logic that ultimately settles a conflict. That is why smoking, or any activity traditionally undertaken together in happier times, works so effectively toward settlement