The Psychology of Divorce

Most people getting divorced are pretty stressed out. Usually one person wants a divorce before the other. It is generally better for the person who decides to end the marriage because they have been likely thinking about it for months and have come to a point of decision and may even be past the point of pain. For the one” left behind” it is much harder as they may not even be aware of the marital problems, let alone the need for and acceptance of the divorce. Grief is huge for either party.

What this means for mediation is that the two people are in very different places emotionally and even in the same room a mediator may have to switch approaches. Even if they appear to be in roughly the same place, I like to think of divorce as a stressor so great that neither person is acting quite normally. Add factors like substance abuse, underlying mental illness and guilt from affairs and it’s clear that usually , in denial of not, neither party is thinking quite clearly.

That’s why caucus (2 room mediation) can be so effective. Radically different approaches can be utilized by the mediator without seeming disingenuous. Imagine how silly it might seem to BOTH parties if in the same room the mediator is matter of fact and forward looking while talking to one and sympathetic and backward oriented (in an attempt to move a party forward) with the other. But with two rooms it is possible. In addition, the higher the stress of the parties the more helpful it is to have another mediator or slow the process down. people who may behave badly with one professional present may not do so with two or three professionals in the room.

 

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