Divorce, Emotions and Mediation

Divorce, Emotions and Mediation

Glen Bickford, Qualified Neutral and Mediator

Separation is a tough time. Emotions are generally high for both people. Some couples try to stay in the same household in different parts of the house or if there are kids, by “nesting” i.e. getting an apartment with parents moving back and forth while the kids stayed put in the former home place. Now nesting is a great idea in theory, but in practice, it’s a mess; those emotions get in the way. To do nesting properly, even for a short period of time, you need ground rules. Otherwise, who does the housework and dishes? Often one person gets stuck with most of it. But when emotions are strong and communication is difficult, it’s hard to agree on a set of rules. Mediation can help by having another person there and by identifying the root problems, the reason behind the standoff. Rules can be agreed upon and be comfortable for both people

Long term, most people separate into two households and no longer “nest.” Emotionally, it is easier. The source of your pain and frustration, along with their possessions, are no longer in front of you, reminding you of things you’re trying hard to forget.

Mediation also helps emotions after the split. Mediation with someone you want to get away from is not easy but it’s better than court for a couple of reasons. First, those emotions don’t get stirred up when they see what the other person’s attorney  is saying about them. While mediators can’t stop outbursts, outbursts if they happen at all, can be controlled. Second, when you mediate you, not lawyers and judges, are in control. The more control each person has over the settlement the easier it is to keep their emotions in check.

When is the best time to mediate emotionally? For complete settlements, the best time to mediate is often week or two (up to a couple months) after the separation or decision to separate. Too soon, and those emotions get in the way again. One couple I worked with had been separated for just 2 days. One of the couple was still in shock. Trying her best, she was unable to come to any decisions on most things. After time and therapy, she was able to move on and settlement was reached without too much difficulty.

Mediation can mean less hurt and a shorter recovery from the split, it’s cheaper, and old hurts can stop hurting. Emotionally, courts are win/lose, or even lose/lose. But mediation is win/win!