Catharsis in Mediation

The other day I was mediating and one of the parties was stuck in a position, so stuck and  so angry that after a bit she started to cry. Now, some mediators might pull that person aside and let her know that the mediation might end if she could not get herself under control. Other mediators might declare an impasse. But I had seen this type of reaction before when I was an ER chaplain and knew she was in crisis, so I handed her a tissue and waited.

After a few minutes came the reason why she was so adamant in her position: she’d been in a similar situation before and gotten badly burned. She was certain that if she gave an inch it would happen again. Once her venting and truth-telling was finished, it was like a weight was lifted from her and from the mediation. I was able to assure her that our situation was different and that she was not getting burned THIS time. She had to approve any decision we’d reach. Once she understood this, she was able to compromise on many points she had defended fiercely and a fair settlement was reached. I understood this women’s process. Other times I have not been so fortunate and somebody leaves a mediation still stuck- and still filled with hurt.

Sometimes it happens in conflict that fear is the real motivator. People are afraid of being taken advantage of. Some may hold to a position and not even know why (consciously at least) because of some hurt buried deep inside. Mediators can help release this hurt and the person is in a place to see things more clearly. Mediation at its best brings not only settlement but often healing. And if the mediator understands the healing process, she or he can accommodate and even encourage such healing and thus sometimes a settlement is the result of healing rather than the other way around.