Mediation and Being Stuck

It is very common for people to come to mediation “locked-in” to their position. There are good reasons for this. Some people are like like pit bulls: they clamp down on a position without the slightest change, through thick and thin. This is a valuable trait if 1) you know you are absolutely 100 % right and 2) circumstances do not change. The only problem is, about 99% of the time both people are at fault, and very few situations remain unchanging.

In churches, this often takes the form  “A worked for this church during the “golden age” of the church,” In the “golden age” membership was huge, there were hundreds of kids in Sunday School and money was always there when you asked for it and frequently offered unasked. But the “golden age” usually took place when nearly every American child was baptized, most people attended church, and the American economy was strong. People in churches might fight over Sunday school style when the right answer for this place and time might be no Sunday school at all, but a different way of giving children a religious education! In my own state, churches were built every 6 miles or so out in the Minnesota countryside. We can mourn the closure of most of these, but the fact is, they were built when most people drove horses to church and every 160 acres was a large family. In a time when rural folks are scarce and farms are 5000 acres or more, when people have cars and can easily drive 60 miles in an hour, church buildings don’t need to be so close most rural church buildings aren’t needed.  Circumstances change.

With couples, this can take the form ” When we were together she was like this and she always will be.” This could be true, she will always be the same in some ways. But many other ways she might be very different. It’s easier to lock people in time than it is to realize people can change and grow. It’s easier to think the other person was all wrong than to admit that at least part of the marriage difficulties were self made, or simply the bad combination of two good people. People could be like chocolate  and garlic. Both are great in certain foods but combine them? Yech!

Mediation is about new possibilities. Without the possibility of change, then one is doomed to relive the same conflict over and over. Sadly that is what happens to many folks in churches or post divorce. Yet, if one admits to the possibility of change then mediation can succeed. Good mediators can take people from “no’ to “maybe” and when they do, new possibilities emerge!

 

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