Emotions and Mediation

Emotions and Mediation

How do your emotions affect the mediation process? Very much. But all too often they are left out of the mediation process. They are ignored. They are discounted. They are despised. Worse yet, they are elevated to the point where they are the only thing that matters.

Emotions and mediation. Emotions in mediation are important. But knowing WHY you are feeling what you are feeling is as important as recognizing WHAT you are feeling. Don’t just automatically assume that you are feeling fear because of your ex. It could be that he or she simply reminds you of someone you really were afraid of. you may have good reason to fear your ex. But if you’re not certain, it may be that there are other reasons you are afraid, and you’re blaming it all on your ex.

A good mediator can help you sort out these issues. He or she may even suggest you consider going to a counselor before you continue mediation. Once emotional issues are clearer, mediation can proceed forward at a much greater pace, with better results. Who wants to pay for a mediator if no decisions get made and emotions get the better of people?

A good mediator can handle many strong emotions. My background in chaplaincy, for example, has been invaluable in my mediation work. Grief, anger and regret, as well as many other emotions, are familiar to me. Emotions in mediation are not a problem unless they get in the way. In fact, proper expression and awareness of emotions can make the process easier. Sometimes if emotions are expressed properly, they can help facilitate an agreement. If emotions obstruct the process, the parties mediating can meet in separate rooms, though “shuttle diplomacy”  makes for a somewhat slower, and more expensive process. Emotions and mediation can help or hinder mediation.

Emotions and mediation. If you appreciate the role of emotion in mediation,  mediation is cheaper, easier and better. The result is better, too.

Comparing Family Mediation Services

Comparing Family Mediation Services: All Family Mediation Services Are Not Equal

When people ask me what I do, and I tell them I do Minneapolis Divorce Mediation or St. Paul Divorce Mediation, people often ask me “Are you an attorney?” The answer is “No.” And that’s in many ways a good thing. You don’t have to be an attorney to do Minneapolis Family Mediation or St. Paul Family Mediation. There is much more to providing Divorce Mediation services than being an attorney, though there are some  good mediator attorneys out there Why only some?.

In law school attorneys are taught how to fight, not cooperate, so it means many attorneys don’t know how to settle a dispute without taking sides. Minnesota divorce mediation services are 80-90% attorneys. Minneapolis mediation services and St. Paul mediation services fit this pattern, especially now since so many people have been  burned by going to court. the truth is, most Minnesota judges don’t want to settle divorce at all- they want parents to settle through discussion and Minnesota family mediation services. That’s because judges don’t know your situation, don’t know your kids, and however they decide, one or both parents are usually unhappy.

I don’t claim to know as much about law as a judge or attorneys. But isn’t Minnesota divorce mediation more about cooperating than fighting? Who decides what’s fair? Shouldn’t it be the parents? I know how to set limits, calm people and support them through the process. People can do what’s best for their kids with full knowledge of who their kids are- not a name and a birth date, but living breathing individuals. I was a chaplain at Mayo before I was a mediator, and the skills I learned in the ICU and ER with families make my mediation services different. With a good agreement, parents can start a pattern of cooperating, no fighting. Kids can see parents cooperating and they can accept the divorce more easily: it’s not the end of their world

Not all Minnesota mediation services are created equal!

Divorce Mediation Expectations

What are your divorce mediation expectations? Mediation is in some ways easy to understand and in other ways difficult. Most people when they think of mediation, they think of negotiation, and that dreaded word “compromise.” Actually, mediation in divorce  or divorce mediation (some call it family mediation) actually means working out a new set of values for the couple post split and esp. for child raising afterwards. Values about the old partner  include respect, fairness and trust. What are the new rules for relating?

Viewed in this way, divorce mediation seems easier. Both people want respect, fairness and trust. The old ways to express those values didn’t work, or else you’d still be together. So you need to find new ways. When you were together, trust may have meant that whenever your partner interrupted you, you at least tried to give him or her attention at that moment. But now that you’re apart respect might mean waiting until a certain time to talk, or to communicate  in a certain way. You might decide that some times and ways of communicating are the best and to use only these is being respectful.

Children can actually make divorce mediation, make family mediation easier. Though permanent separation is very hard on children themselves, it is easier  for couples to cooperate when children are involved. That’s because  each of you have a role post separation that is in someways the same as it was before: you are both parents. Since you are parents, most parents have the common value of wanting what is best for your child. Usually, that value is and should be your top priority. That’s important to remember.

You two may have different ways of express that value  of “best for the kids” i.e. one parent might believe it’s best for boys to play football while the other believes it’s too dangerous. But you both still want your children to learn to play with others and get exercise without getting hurt.  And so you still both understand that getting an agreement in custody mediation is important for your kids; so important, in fact, that you should be willing to accept things to get an agreement ,that you might not otherwise, for their sake, to avoid further pain for your kids. Even a mediocre agreement is usually better than  no agreement, because it avoids the damage to the children by the two of you continuing to fight.  Getting an agreement to ease your kids’ pain is more important than getting almost anything else you want in a settlement.

If you keep the children in mind as most important, that is more helpful than focusing on the turmoil the two of you might have. the state of Minnesota asks judges to focus on the kids’ best interests in divorce and separation, so you should, too. Divorce mediation can even help you understand each other enough so you can co-parent effectively. you may give up your “perfect settlement”. but your kids will thank you for it, both now and in the years to come.

Divorce Mediation and Regrets

Whenever people buy something, there is nearly always a twinge of “buyer’s remorse.” Simply put, buyer’s remorse is the sense that you might have done better if you’d waited, gotten a better price, gotten something different, or done nothing at all. buyer’s remorse is very common whenever a decision is made, mainly because of its finality; there are no more options out there to ponder, no way your choice can bring something better. And most times that “better” option means more heartache, more waiting and maybe even NOT the better option you thought it was. Most often, making a decision , even if it’s not quite perfect, is better than making no decision at all.

This phenomenon is very common in divorce mediation. When people choose mediation, Some options seem gone: getting an attorney, doing divorce yourself, leaving the relationship in limbo or simply moving out and moving on without looking back. people do regret mediation occasionally, though mediation seldom truly blocks off other options. In my experience in hearing about divorces, people are more likely to say things like “Why did we try attorneys first? Now $10,000 is gone, and we’ve both said things through our attorneys better left unsaid”  or “Why didn’t we settle this by mediating years ago?”

Sometimes, too, people regret the decisions they made in mediation to get an agreement. But even if that happens, most people understand that getting an agreement is usually even more important than anything you “give up” to get agreement. And the decision you made is a decision you made, not your attorney, not a judge and not your ex deciding the matter alone. Now occasionally people make decisions in mediation that they regret because they were so eager to push through the mediation , because they were tired. But even if that happens most divorce mediators do not hold people’s feet to the fire for 12 hours straight to get an agreement like people sometimes think mediators do. I personally always let people think about it before they decide once and for all.

So even if you have “buyer’s remorse” in divorce mediation, in family mediation, relax! Expect it. A little regret is normal. and usually simply means you understand emotionally that a decision has finally been made. Most people still decide to continue mediating or not revisit a decision made in mediation. And you can always change an agreement later on, if an even better option comes along. With children, things change all the time, and if they do, you can always make a new agreement to fit the new circumstances.

Divorce mediation, custody mediation, family mediation. It is truly a choice you won’t regret.( or at least more than a little bit).